There are never enough words to express the crippling energy that finds its way to my veins in the early hours of the morning. I used to be terrified of it at one point, but I’ve come to accept it, I’ve come to welcome it.
I like living, but I don’t like my beingness, my humanness. I only feel fulfilled when I run and/or workout. Outside of that, it’s all empty. It’s all meaningless. It’s just an extra task.
I’m productive — I get an insane amount of work done on the daily. I focus, move towards a goal, reach it and on to the next. It’s very routine, very methodical and on paper I’d look “accomplished”, but I’m not fulfilled. My consciousness no longer wishes to reside in this vessel.
Socializing is done “on the go”, where it fits. Facebook here, tumblr there, text here, phone call there, occasional forced hangout (if all tasks are complete). No single soul on the planet knows a single thing about my life or its details. I just don’t see the point.
I keep telling myself: “You can hold on — 50 or 60 more years. You can do it…”
But on nights like these, I wish I could condense those 60 years into a night of sleep or better yet into an hour. When will I be set free? When will I no longer have to wake up with this knowingness? With this awareness? With this understanding? With this humanness? When?
When will I cease to be? When will I be obliterated? Thrown into oblivion and forgotten? When?
No matter where I go, I still end up me. What’s missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I’m still the same incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I think that lack itself is as close as I’ll come to defining myself.Haruki Murakami (via wordsthat-speak)
Anonymous said: How did you start getting into modeling? Are you getting paid? I'm interested in being a traveling model for a while. Any info or tips would help greatly. Thanks!!
I honestIy don’t understand people who just “model for a while”, but if that works for you then, cool…
I work hard, I’ve been doing this since I was a young bean. I started out doing theatre, acting, singing, and then a few years after I moved to Canada I became very interested in expressing myself in front of a still camera. I went to Europe and modeled there a couple of summers when I was 13/14. That was wild. Since my Europe experience I’ve been cutting it on my own. A few agencies have tried to scoop me up but we could never find common ground so I kicked that to the curb early on and sought out ways to work independently, locally.
I love being an independent working model, I have the freedom to choose & control my career every step of the way. I do get paid for modeling but a lot of it is just collaborating with local talent for exposure, portfolio work, for fun etc.
Modeling is about knowing how to dress, how to carry yourself, how to do your hair & makeup, how to talk, walk, how to be around people.. and then some. You have to be able to pull that which is inside, out. All the successful models I’ve met in my life are highly focused individuals with a message to convey.
You have to really love what you do. Be open to new experiences. Know what you want. Be 25 steps ahead!
reblogging for my people on this blog
It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now.Hugh Laurie (via buddhabrot)
life is bigger
Listen a hundred times; ponder a thousand times; speak once.Turkish Proverb (via feellng)
Together, they would watch everything that was so carefully planned collapse, and they would smile at the beauty of destruction.Markus Zusak (via observando)
Sometimes all you need is some carbs and a long sleep. Let your weaknesses be your fuel. FASTEST EVERYTHING this morning. Completely drenched in sweat. #feelingaccomplished